On the Topic of Passions: Passions, Emotions, Feelings. We call them by many names but they are the life blood of our existence. It's what separates us from the rocks and soil from which we're made. It doesn't matter if you revel in them or suppress them, our emotions are what drive us forwards, pull us upwards, tear us down. I've experienced an emotional bliss, a height I thought unobtainable by humans, and then suddenly the crashing shift to suicidal depression. It's not pretty, but it makes you think. Thinking is good, it makes you write. Writing is good, it makes other people feel things. Feeling things is good, it makes you think. This could go on for a while...
As I said in the previous entry, On the Topic of Pain; A wise friend of mine commented on the control people can have over each other. For a over a year I was asking myself what I had done to deserve so wonderful and perfect a person in my life, someone who had made every action I made have purpose, they made every planet and star line up and shine brighter in the night sky. Their name was the last word on my lips, I remember how I'd run my fingers over my mouth as if catching a kiss they left me, and they were the first thing on my mind when I woke up. That was torn down, losing all that is not pleasant. When you feel that kind of a connection to someone, when you fall that deeply and gravitate to a person that much, even if they're not there in your life, losing them is maddening, it destroys you. You get eaten from the inside, the warmth like having a pure spring's sun in your chest is replaced with an icy emptiness that eats at you like maggots under your skin. I realized recently that passions and emotions are to be shared, that our feelings are pure.
Hatred and Love can only be truly experienced when shared with others. Happiness is best when given to others and Sadness can only truly be expelled with the aid of those closest to you. Our worries are lessened when shared and our interests and curiosities take on a new light when those who we spend our time with smile at them and share your interest or give you a new perspective on them. These feelings have no distinctions other than the ones we put on them. Our happiness can be shared with anyone, though we may choose to share it with certain people rather than with others. Only love is the fickle emotion, but there's the purity in it. Love can only be truly shared with those that love us back. How do we know they love us back? We can feel it, we can feel the warmth and truth in the words they share, in the looks they give us, our significant others can show their feelings and put ours in tune with theirs perfectly.
I'm in pain. I have been since September and I'm not sure I'll feel it getting better. I have loved deeper than I have ever felt anything else in my life and I have been wounded deeper than any wound ever dealt to me. It's a strange thing, love feels more painful than all the hatred and bitterness in the world, they're polar opposites but the latter seems to follow the former like a bitter night follows a somber day. The pain will cling to you, it will chew at your innards and make your ribs tighten. Warmth becomes an external stimulus opposed to a reassurance, light loses all poetic measure and becomes mere particles and wavelengths, thoughts become words you wish you could silence forever. I've shared my pain with my friends, they kept me from taking all my sleeping pills at once and I've felt better for it. They've shared their pains with me and my concern for them and need to share happiness has reminded me of the good in people. And the person who's name was on my lips... I hope one day they'll whisper my name and feel just an iota of how good they made me feel in the past.
I promise if they feel just a shred as good as they made me feel, they'd be the happiest person on this planet. We can't deny our feelings, we can only share them and hope for the best. You know how I feel.